Meara (00:01.57)
Last week we had to tell our eleven-year-old to stop being so helpful. Yes. Sounds ridiculous, right? Here we are trying to raise responsible, helpful kids who look out for each other, and we're telling one of them to back off. But there's a reason for this. She was doing so much for her nine-year-old sister that her sister was starting to rely on her for everything. And it got me thinking.
just don't know how to do anything. Like they can't cook, they can't figure things out on their own. They don't even notice when something needs to be done. But my question is who's supposed to be teaching them? Kids don't just wake up one morning knowing how to manage a home, solve a bunch of problems, make their own decisions, or notice what needs attention. And somebody has to show them. And sometimes without even realizing it,
We're the ones keeping them from learning. Yes, the caretakers and the parents. Welcome back to the House of Noor. I'm Mira, and today we're talking about something that we in our home have been working through for quite a while.
How do we raise children who can actually think for themselves? Because believe me, we are very much still learning this. So here's what's happening with our girls. Our 11-year-old is a natural nurture. She loves to take care of everybody. And if any of them need anything, she is right there. If they are stuck, Big Sister's always there with the answer. If there's a task, she jumps in. And at first I thought, this is wonderful.
You know, I always want my kids looking out for one another. But then we started noticing something. The nine-year-old was getting so used to having help that she stopped noticing what needed to be done and she could walk right past the mess on the floor and not even it wouldn't even register with her. Or she'd finish a task and then start wandering around the house looking like hopeless, just waiting for someone to guide her and tell her what to do next. And then I started thinking, wait a minute.
Meara (02:15.778)
You know how to clean up, you know where things go in this house, and you know how to do all of these things. Why are you waiting for instructions? And that's when it really clicked for me. That knowing how to do something and knowing when something needs to be done are two totally different skills. So we started working on her with what we're calling reading the room or how to read the room. So when she walks into the kitchen, stop for a second, look around, are there dishes out?
Does something need to be put away? Is there something on the floor? Does somebody else need help? And don't just walk through the space waiting for directions. You have to pay attention to what's happening around you. And at the same time, we have, you know, a gentle talk with our 11-year-old telling her, we love how kind you are and how helpful you are, but you have to give your sister enough space to be able to figure things out for herself.
And honestly, that was hard for her too because she's so used to jumping in. So right now we're teaching our daughter to notice when she needs to step forward, and the other one to recognize when she needs to step back. And the more I'm watching this happening, the more I'm starting to realize that us as parents need to do the exact same thing. How many times, for example, have you been in the middle of making dinner and your child's taking forever to do something simple and eventually you just say,
Just give it to me, I'll do it. I am so guilty of this and I still do it till date. And we all do it. When your younger kids are running around, you know, food on the stove, the laundry's going, someone's always asking you a question, especially with five kids, and you have a million other things going on on your mind, you're not always feeling like standing there for an extra fifteen minutes while somebody struggles with something that you can finish in just two seconds. But if it's
If we're always taking over because it's faster and convenience, when do we ever get good at it? Right. Now, I don't mean we should not ever step in, but there's a big difference between helping a child learn con and constantly doing the work for them. And our kids actually do a so much around our house. We've always felt that children should be a part of running a home and not just living in it.
Meara (04:39.628)
So around six they started doing their own laundry. The two our two elders started doing the laundry. They started helping with dishes. Now they vacuum when it's night. It's not even you know, it's just on cue. They get the vacuum because they know now it's time to settle down at six o'clock. They help feed the animals, they help make simple meals, they make breakfast, they'll even make eggs for the little girls or pancakes. that but they know when to ask for help if something isn't safe. And our older ones naturally help with the little ones as well.
They get their pajamas ready. They step in and help brush their teeth. they help get them ready for bed. And it's not because we as parents are saying, This is your responsibility, you know, you have to help raise your siblings. They wanna be involved and they f enjoy feeling capable of being able to help. And they wanna be, you know, they wanna have that feeling of feeling useful. And now, do they always want to do their chores? actually.
Yes, my kids do. do all kids want to do chores? Absolutely not. they're kids, you know, and I think that because we homeschool full time now, this has become such a natural part of our daily rhythm that they're always home with us and they see us cooking and cleaning and working and now we're all planting trees and taking care of the property and they learn by living with us.
And it's not just chores, it's how to think, even with the smallest things. What vegetable do you want for dinner? We let them choose. What do you think we should do about this problem? What could be a fair solution? Even though we know the answer, we want them to be able to think as well. And sometimes they come back with the answer that makes sense. And other times I you know, generally wonder how they got there, but that's okay because we're still practicing and they're learning to explain their thinking.
they're learning that they can solve things without an adult immediately handing them the answer. And honestly that brings us a whole other side of this because learning to handle life isn't just about chores or making decisions. It's also about learning how to manage ourselves when things don't go our way. Case in point, we have a five year old and she has the biggest emotions in the entire world. When she's happy she is absolute sunshine. But when something's going wrong
Meara (07:02.026)
It's like a whole nother side of her. And right now we have this one particular spot on the couch in the house that she loves and it's not hers. Our kids know that nothing in this house belongs to them. It belongs to everybody. But in her five-year-old mine, that is absolutely her spot because there's so many of They all want something that's a piece of theirs, right? And so if one of her sisters is sitting there first, it become a fool situation.
And she is genuinely upset. Now, as her mom, the easiest thing in the world would be for me to say, Okay, everybody move. Just let her sit in there in that spot so we can have peace. And I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I do that because mom has had enough. but what I'm trying to teach what what would I be trying to teach her if I did that every time? Like, give yourself grace. I get it. I'm not perfect, nobody's perfect, but
you gotta think, what am I teaching my child if I do it every time? And that whenever they're upset, everyone else has to rearrange their whole lives to make that feeling go away go away. And you know, they can't take this into adulthood. But we also don't want to teach her that having big feelings is wrong. So instead we'll sit with her, try to get her to calm down, acknowledge that she's disappointed, let her know that it's okay. She's allowed to feel this way.
And we try to walk her through it. I know you wanted that chair. Your sister's sitting in the chair right now. What else can you do while you wait? Does she immediately smile and say, Thank you, mother? That makes perfect sense. Absolutely not. She is five and it takes time, but she's learning something important that her feelings are okay. But what she does with those feelings matter. And honestly, that is just as much of a life skill as cooking a meal or keeping a room clean, learning to wait, learning to be disappointed.
learning how to calm yourself down, learning to share space with other people. Those things matter too. And at the end of the day, whether it's my 11-year-old learning when to step back or my nine-year-old, you know, learning to take the initiative, or my five-year-old learning how to work through big feelings, we're really trying to do the same thing. Prepare them for real life. And it does not take a perfect house. Done take a farm or homeschooling. You can do this wherever you are, however you are.
Meara (09:28.096)
Let them help with dinner, show them how to do the laundry, ask them what they think before you give them the answer. Let them help solve small problems and let them practice while the stakes are still low. And listen, our house is not some perfect educational utopia. Far from it. Sometimes this house is a wreck. And somebody's always having a bad day. And I do lose my patience because I'm a human. And things don't go the way I plan, but that's real life.
My goal is not perfection. It's practice. And I want them to practice these things while I'm still here to be able to guide them because of course one day I won't be standing beside them telling them what to do when they're adults. And when that day comes, I want them to walk into a room, to be able to look around, trust their own minds, and know how to take that next step independently. So maybe the next time we hear somebody say, kids today don't know how to do anything.
The question isn't only what kids know. Maybe the question is, have we actually given them the space and the chance to learn? Because sometimes the hardest part of parenting isn't teaching our kids what to do. So if this has made you think about something that's happening in your own home, tell me in the comments. Do your kids have routines? Do they help around the house? Or do you find yourself stepping in because it's just faster? And I'd really love to hear how your family handles it.
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